Green Ham and Eggs

That Sam 'n' Ella, that Sam 'n' Ella

I do not like that Sam 'n' Ella

Would you like green ham and eggs?

Eat them! Please don't make us beg!

I would not like eggs and green ham.

Please don't bug me. Beat it! Scram!

Would you eat it honey-glazed?

Spiral cut, right off the bone?

I would not eat green fuzzy ham;

Please Ella, Sam, leave me alone.

Are you afraid of trichinosis?

Botulism, shigelosis?

Sam, it's really time you knew,

Ham is trayf, and I'm a Jew!

Professional Failures

I had a dive shop, but it tanked.

My cruise ship business went under, and the historic train ride concession ran out of steam.

My plastic surgery practice went tits up, and the proctology practice bottomed out. Something’s afoot with my podiatrist, my urologist is pissing me off, and the heart went out of the cardiology office.

The “House of Trampolines” deal fell through.

I started a veterinary practice but I was barking up the wrong tree.

Things at my accounting firm just didn’t add up.

I wondered whether I should go into the mattress business. I decided to sleep on it.

The golf shop had a lot of teed-off customers.

The restaurant cooked its books.

I got burned out running a barbecue joint.

The mob offered me work as a tennis pro, but it turned out to be a racket.

My linen service folded, and my cleaning service bit the dust.

My submarine ride business went under, my tunnel construction business is in the hole, and the vape shop went up in smoke.

My construction business has hit a wall.

My air taxi business is still up in the air.

I had to shutter my window business and cut back on the arborist service.

My landscaping company is stuck in the mud.

My car rental agency is driving me to distraction.

The moving company had to pack it in.

The pork processing plant went belly up.

The agricultural business bought the farm.

It was curtains for the theater.

My massage business went belly up.

My plumbing business went down the drain.

My beverage business dried up. I had to liquidate my assets.

Maybe I’ll embark on a pet store, though the idea of a shipping company kinda sends me.

You're The Top

(Apologies to Mr. Porter)

You're the top, just like Miley Cyrus! You're the top, you're Ebola virus. You're a Bulger brother successfully losing the cops, You're a MENSA member, a warm December, You are Iggy Pop!

You're a Tweet, that has been retweeted, You're the Sox, 'cept you're undefeated. I'm an aging schlub in a pair of old flip flops. But if, baby, I'm a bottom, you're the top!