Everything Else Happens to Me

(With apologies to lyricist Tom Adair)

I call you on the phone, and you tell me you're not there,

Get sleepy at the barber and he cuts off all my hair.

I ask for avocado and get alligator pear.

Everything happens to me.

I buy myself a condo and it's downwind from the dump.

I'd like to watch the TV but they're showing Donald Trump,

and now I've got the feeling that you've played me for a chump,

Everything happens to me.

Bridge:

At first I thought that romance would come through for me,

You and I would last for years and years,

But now I know that you just can't be true to me.

I'm making that return trip to DeBeers.

Alternate bridge

At first I thought that romance would be true to me,

Love would be a grand and glorious ride

But the truth has finally gotten through to me,

You're sleeping with the postman on the side.

I bought some shares of Enron at the highest possible price

I bought filet of flounder but the shop ran out of ice

I bought your vow of love against my mother's firm advice

Everything happens to me.